““In Real Dialogue we emphasize...you don’t have to agree, but you do have to understand before you respond.””
What is Real Dialogue?
Real Dialogue has grown from Dialogue Therapy developed by Polly and her late husband, Ed Epstein, in 1983. Real Dialogue is a finely-honed structure for dialogue and inquiry that is used for resolving conflicts between equals in relationships. Real Dialogue allows us to have conflict with respect, use conflict creatively, and speak and listen to others without having to agree or compromise so that a process of inquiry can take place without dehumanizing or devaluing another’s point of view or perspective.
The Skills of Real Dialogue Are:
1. Speaking for Yourself: Take mindful responsibility for the subjective basis of your own impressions, memories, and staying away from stating “objective facts” and/or making “we” or “you” statements.
2. Listening Mindfully: Be certain you can step into the other person’s shoes and see/hear/feel that person’s statement/message before replying to it.
3. Remaining Curious: Recognize and remain interested in what is emerging between you and the other because you know that you need both sides of an opposition in order to reach any lasting solution to problems.
These steps lead to Real Dialogue and the precious gift of being able to sit and talk with someone who is profoundly in disagreement with you.
To become a certified Real Dialogue Specialist or Dialogue Therapist please contact us or learn more here.
Real Dialogue Specialists
Peggy Dippen M.Ed Math Teacher and Social Emotional Learning Specialist and Coach, Addison County School District, Vergennes, VT
Abbi Jaffe RSME/T Trauma Informed Somatic Experience Coach, Montpelier VT
Paula Emery M.Ed, Middle School Teacher, Entrepreneur, Plainfield, VT
Nancy Mathews Ph.D., Provost, University of Central Michigan, Mt. Pleasant, MI
Pamela Williams LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Educational Coach, Burlington VT
Robin Juncker-Boyce M.Div, Pastor, Thetford, VT
Michael Berger BA, Entrepreneur, St. Louis, MO
Lincoln Earles-Center Director, Braver Angels, Montpelier, VT
Real Dialogue: The Skill
Speaking for Yourself, Listening Mindfully, Remaining Curious
Seven self-directed video lessons by Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D. that will teach you the skills of Real Dialogue
Imagine being able to have a productive conversation with just about anyone. Learning the Skills of Real Dialogue in this introductory course will give you the tools to communicate in any situation. The course is the first step for anyone wanting to learn or teach Real Dialogue.
What You’ll Learn:
• The Skills of Real Dialogue
• How to Lower Your Emotional Reactions
• How to Navigate Tough Conversations
• How to Speak for Yourself
• How to Listen Mindfully
• Remaining Curious
• Getting Out of Your Own Snow Globe
Free Bonus Material:
“The question about what Real Dialogue is...could be one of the most important questions in the world.””
Download the booklets on Real Dialogue written and illustrated by Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D.
20 pages • In Real Dialogue, "Speaking for Yourself" involves much more than using I-statements. It is the ability to recognize, with modesty, that the ways you hear, see, and feel others is subjective. In times of conflict and emotional threat, you set your intention to speak only for yourself and not to argue about “the truth” or what “really happened." This little primer will help mindfully develop those capacities.
16 pages • In Real Dialogue, “Mindful Listening” includes stepping into another’s point of view to express your understanding of it through paraphrasing and summarizing until that person feels mirrored. This skill is necessary when you are emotionally activated. Listening mindfully helps you hear what another is saying, even when you disagree and are emotionally activated. You learn to listen instead of rehearsing words to defend yourself. This short primer will assist you in being able to listen well in difficult conversations.
16 pages • In Real Dialogue, “Remaining Curious” helps you integrate the two fundamental skills of Speaking Yourself and Listening Mindfully within the larger perspective of an ongoing fresh and engaged attitude, even when there are repetitive emotional conflicts and painful differences. To remain open and curious about what you see and hear, when you want to close off, is an advanced form of Mindfulness practice. This practice allows you to hold a Mindful Gap so that love and interest grow and conflict becomes creative, serving the process of mutual discovery.
“Drs. Pieniadz and Young-Eisendrath are on the pioneering edge with their elegant and highly effective model of Dialogue Therapy and Real Dialogue. As someone who has worked for years to help heal the broken-hearted, and offer hope to those who steadfastly believe in love despite their many bumps and bruises along the way, I’m thrilled to discover this graceful, heartfelt, compellingly simple, yet brilliantly deep work to awaken our ability to grow greater levels of compassion and care between us. These two superb luminaries are my new relationship gurus.”
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“This ambitious, beautifully written text represents decades of accumulated clinical wisdom. Integrating feminism, Buddhism, psychoanalysis, and empirical scholarship, the authors show how to help antagonistic parties to listen respectfully, grow in self-knowledge and autonomy, and appreciate the equal humanity of the other. Their work is both inspiring and quintessentially practical. I recommend this book to all therapists who work with couples as well as to professionals in the fields of coaching, consulting, and conflict resolution. ”