Autonomy is the ability to be self-determining and self-governing, to make choices and commit to those choices. When we govern ourselves effectively, we are able to handle the ups and downs of life because we understand how to balance our needs with our responsibilities.
Autonomy can be fostered by allowing children to make age-appropriate decisions and experience the fruits (or consequences) of those decisions, without parental interference. Self-confidence, self-esteem, and resilience develop when children experience the satisfaction of taking responsibility for themselves and their commitments.
To raise our children to leave home as self-confident, autonomous, emotionally mature adults.
1. Allow Children to Make Age-Appropriate Decisions and Encounter the Consequences of Their Decisions.
Reflect on your daily routine. Are there choices you make for your children that they could make independently if given the opportunity?
List some of the decisions you make for your children on a daily basis and begin delegating those decisions that they could be making autonomously.
Do you enforce compliance with responsibilities such as chores and homework? Are there responsibilities your children could handle on their own? Can you allow your children to deal directly with the consequences of shirking those responsibilities or reap the benefits of meeting them?
2. Allow Children to Take Responsibility for Their Actions.
If children are to learn to be self-governing, it is particularly important that they be allowed to experience the consequences of their actions. For example, when children do not study and, as a result, receive failing grades, the lesson is obvious and direct. Making excuses for children (the material was too difficult), or intervening (to have grades improved) deprives children of the opportunity to learn (in this case, to learn the importance of good study habits).
Struggle and failure are a part of life. The ability to deal with challenges and to learn from mistakes is essential to success and happiness. When your children make choices that produce undesirable results, discuss the situation in a way that will help them understand the causes and effects of their choices. If your children request your help, explore alternative choices they might make in the future that would lead to better results.
3. Autonomy Doesn't Mean Isolation.
Family meetings provide a venue for children to learn that autonomy involves responsibility as much as it does the freedom to choose one's actions. Observing parents, relatives, and even older siblings help one another and work through problems together teaches children the importance of interdependence and compassion. Children also learn that talking about personal limitations and mistakes is helpful, not shameful, and that everyone can benefit from the experience and wisdom of elders.
Working realistically within your family's schedule, consider setting up periodic family meetings, preferably with extended family members of all generations. Lay down ground rules to ensure a non-judgmental, mutually supportive atmosphere and encourage participants to discuss personal challenges as well as issues your family faces together.