samples
Samples from The Self-Esteem Trap
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In this book I will not offer many biological explanations, although I will talk about some of the findings of neuroscience that can help us understand how the self forms and develops in a growing child. I will not fight with these kinds of explanations either, although to be frank I believe they are harmfully overused. 5 Instead I want to take the larger view of how we've been raising our children since the Baby Boom generation grew up and became parents themselves.
Being the Center of Attention
As I've said, obsessive self-focus, restless dissatisfaction, pressures to be exceptional, unreadiness to take on adult responsibilities, feelings of superiority (or inferiority), and excessive fears of being humiliated are the symptoms of the self-esteem trap in young adults, and sometimes even in children or teenagers. Linked to these kinds of complaints are predictable struggles that I witness in dedicated parents. Both in therapeutic and in social encounters, I see conscientious parents who are unintentionally held hostage emotionally by their children - toddlers, elementary - and middle-school children, and teenage or older children. Parents seem to be in charge of their infants, but even there vast amounts of attention and engagement can be given over to every gesture of a baby. From toddlerhood on, many children hold the apparent advantage of control in social situations. When children repeatedly scream, demand, threaten, lie, fail, require special arrangements and material things, and fall short of taking on their age-appropriate responsibilities, they are in an awkward position of premature social power.
Undoubtedly you have witnessed or been a part of this kind of power struggle.6 You're dining in a restaurant or in someone's home and a toddler, a grade-schooler, or a teenager is dominating the scene. The small child may be interrupting or running around. The parents may be embarrassed, sheepish, or indulging, but they cannot get the child out of the center of attention. The school-age child may be asked by adults to give opinions or facts that demonstrate the child's knowledge or prowess. Some young children simply join in any conversation, feeling sure their opinions are welcome. A teenager is more likely to dominate the social scene by sulking and disengaging when asked what he wants to eat or do. In these moments when children are dominating, adults usually feel uncomfortable but are unwilling to express disgruntlement or criticism because they fear they would be seen as intolerably callous or rude. After all, these are children. Shouldn't the world revolve around them?
No. When you're a child, assuming or counting on being the center of attention can lead to distorted relationships and identities that undermine later confidence in fitting into a network of people, knowing the give-and-take of community, and recognizing that adversity and process are built into accomplishing anything in the adult world. No more than fifty years ago, a child-dominated social scene like this would have been unimaginable. Although children might be present and even acting badly from time to time, they never presumed to be equal to adults in their social ranking.
Most of us have been annoyed by these symptoms of being special in children and parents. So with all of the good books and persuasive studies on this topic that already exist, as well as the awkward social situations and confusion and unhappiness of our adult children, why does this problem still persist? Because for the past two decades caring parents have been told that teaching their children they are special will produce good self-esteem and lasting happiness.
